How to talk to kids about school shootings

One of the great joys of parenthood is watching how kids’ thoughts and feelings about the world evolve over time. That’s why we often avoid difficult topics like sex, drugs and violence: so we won’t disrupt the magic of this wonderful process. Take an age-based approach to discussing school shootings, being mindful of how your kid’s developmental stage affects their understanding.

Young kids tend to think concretely, understand simple ideas best, and think of their immediate family as the center of their world. During times of stress, they may get whiny or engage in difficult behavior. It could be a sign that they need comfort even if they can’t articulate it.

Ask open-ended questions. If your kids don’t know what happened and don’t bring it up, you don’t necessarily have to fill in the blanks. If they bring up an incident, you can ask, “What did you hear?” or “What do you think is going on?”

Use simple sentences. Feel free to oversimplify if you have to. You can say, “Someone hurt people.” And if an idea is too complicated to explain — maybe you don’t need to.

Try to keep the news away. You might be eager for information, but try to be discreet. If you can’t turn off the news, try distracting your kid or changing their focus with a book or an activity.

Save strong emotions for your adult support community. You don’t have to be a robot, but avoid displaying strong emotions related to these tragic incidents around young kids. Kids often get scared when they don’t know why parents are upset. Make sure to say, “I’m upset about what I heard on the news. It’s not you.”

At this age, kids are developing their moral beliefs, which means they can delve deeper into a subject. More exposure to peers, social media and news means they’ll receive lots of information — some of which you may need to correct. You don’t need to sit them down for a formal talk: Sometimes, just doing an unrelated activity, such as watching TV, can lead to opportunities to have conversations about difficult topics.

Find out what they know. It’s likely that kids this age will have heard about a shooting before they get home from school. You can ask, “What did you hear today?”

State the facts. If they’ve heard about the incident, ask what they’ve learned. If they don’t know, you can say, “I need to tell you that there was a school shooting. I know you’ll hear about it, and I want it to come from me so we can talk about it.”

Help them feel secure. This is important for kids of all ages: Tell them that they’re safe, that you’re always there for them, and that the authorities are investigating. Provide emotional support by saying, “It’s OK to feel sad — or to not even know how you’re feeling.”

Look out for signs of anxiety, generalized worry or traumatic stress. When bad things happen, kids can develop a fear that it will happen to them, their family or their school. Allow your kid to express all of their concerns, even if they don’t seem directly related or even realistic. Validate their feelings, talk about ways they can calm themselves in times of intense stress (including calming thoughts, breathing exercises and activities), and make it clear that you’re always available to talk things through. Your kid may benefit from a meditation app, but if their anxiety or sensitivity increases, you may want to talk to your pediatrician.